24/08/2022 and 25/08/2022

I promise you, this combined day entry thing is not going to be a frequent thing. Please bear with me.

Lately, I’ve been feeling somehow. I think I know how to explain this feeling but I’m not sure I can share. And I don’t mean because it’s going to be on the internet but I’m not sure I can share, literally.

I’m not an open person and sometimes I want to be able to share but somehow I’m met with some form of resistance when I want to.

I have a few close people I can share stuff with, even then, there are things I’m not sure I can talk about. Maybe it’s because I feel like I know what they can tell me or I feel like they might not get it or maybe I feel like I might be judged or I feel like they won’t have time for me or something, I dunno. When I think of these things, I let it go and often with time, I’m back to normal me, going through life.

I’m sure people feel this way too. I’m sure to some people, I also behave the way I think people might behave when I share stuff.

Maybe that’s how life is, I dunno.

Lately, I’ve been wanting a deep form of friendship. My close friends don’t stay in my city. I have friends but I’m not sure I have deep deep kind of friendships physically around me where I can be 100% myself and pour out. I see friendships like that and I admire them.

I dunno. I was thinking about this few nights ago and though I thought it’ll be nice to have a significant other, one I can call my own, I realized that’s not what I really wanted. What I really wanted was a deep emotional intimacy with someone. Having a friend can do that for me and not necessarily a romantic partner. I guess I want someone to connect with on that deep level.

I think I’ve said a lot but these are some of the things on my mind.

I’m here contemplating if I should post this now or do so much later. But I have a feeling that if I do so much later, I’ll delete 80% of what I’ve said. So I’m just going to share this anyway.

Remember, be a light in your space 💫

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