What is emotional insecurity? According to Wikipedia, this is a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving of oneself to be vulnerable or inferior in some way, or a sense of vulnerability or instability which threatens one’s self-image or ego.
Atelphobia – the fear of not being good enough
Everyone is insecure about something or at some point must have felt insecure in their lives. Usually, insecurity comes as a result of comparison and personal experiences. An emotionally insecure person is pessimistic, sometimes antisocial and isolated depending on the degree of insecurity.
They suffer from social anxiety, body dysmorphism (a mental disorder characterized by an obsessive preoccupation that some aspect of one’s own appearance is severely flawed and warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it) and self-centeredness (source).
“That person you feel is perfect and want to be like is one way or the other dealing with their insecurities, it’s just not on display”
Most times, we compare ourselves to what we see or to what the “society” has set as standard and judge ourselves based on that. Using appearance for instance, as a female, the society (consciously or unconsciously) set ways that a lady should look.
Also, if you ask some guys what ladies they like, you’d hear things like “slim but fat in the right places”, “should have some boob”, “should have butt”, etc. and these can make one feel insecure if that’s not how they are. I’m sure guys go through similar things too.
Personally, I’m not against anyone’s preferences. It’s what they want and everyone has preferences, just like I prefer a black or dark colored anything to any other color (Yes, black is my best color). I think as an individual, if you primarily use body preferences to select a significant other, it might not always go your way.
Life can show it’s grey parts and dim the light that attracted you to your partner. In this case, what will be your reaction? Do you go chasing after another “suitable” person or just stay stranded with soup that went bad?
God created us all different and we should learn to accept what we see as flaws (which in actual fact might not be flaws but considered flaws due to the idea of how something is supposed to be). Though I used the aspect of physical appearance to explain comparison, it’s not limited to that.
Other forms could be how far we think we should have come by now, or how successful we are supposed to be, or how people have more things than we do, how we think someone is smarter than us or more fashionable than we are, etc.
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”
Some people become insecure based on what they went through as children. Insecurities are mostly developed from childhood and are carried into adulthood. These childhood experiences could be both physical and verbal abuse from parents or loved ones, making them feel worthless.
Some experiences might have been from school setting where they were always bullied, some teachers and students can be so mean, trust me. Others might have been indirect, maybe from a friend’s experience or even a broken home. Also, experiences that could cause one to be insecure can happen in adulthood and includes bad experiences from work, relationships with others and so on.
Side note: Humans should respect other humans and try as much as possible to not cause one emotional pain. Do not because of your insecurities oppress another person because you want to feel good. That’s sad and pathetic.
“Don’t let insecurity ruin the beauty you were born with”
As I was reading on emotional insecurity, I came across an article. It made mention of something called “Critical Inner Voice” and
“it is formed out of painful early life experiences in which we witnessed or experienced hurtful attitudes toward us or those close to us and as we grow up, we unconsciously adopt and integrate this pattern of destructive thoughts towards ourselves and others. An example of a critical inner voice is, “I will never be good enough””.
“Sometimes our thoughts are backed by so much insecurity, that they create lies we believe”
Insecurities most times cost us a lot. An insecure person usually does not get involved in social activities, thereby missing out on great experiences. Please note that an insecure person and an introvert are not the same thing. However, an introvert can be insecure.
An insecure person can lose great relationships with people because they have trust issues and sometimes they don’t even trust themselves to make decisions or to do something well. Some also wallow in self-pity (topic for another day).
Certain types of insecure people, rather than appearing isolated or antisocial, exhibit narcissistic behaviors. They try to pull others down just to feel good about themselves and can be proud too.
Some appear quite social (please it’s not all social people that are insecure), always attending social events and the likes and they also try to belong most times and often times are shallow. This is some form of compensation at times for their insecurity. They usually don’t appear insecure but if you check deep down, or you ask questions, you’d see their insecurities coming bare.
“Don’t let insecure thoughts ruin something amazing”
Getting over insecurities I think is a thing of the mind and with time can be done. If we shape our minds to think right and be more accepting of our “flaws”, we can feel less insecure. I believe everyone in one way or the other is seeking acceptance or approval from others (knowingly or unknowingly) and I believe acceptance truly begins with you. Sometimes, people don’t even look at you to notice all those things you notice about yourself and sometimes they really don’t care as much as you think.
“It’s insecurity that is always chasing you and standing in the way of your dreams”
If you know you can improve on yourself please do it because you owe yourself a better version of you. Don’t do it because of someone but do it because of you, yes for you! Be that selfish lol. If you want to do anything, do it for yourself.
For instance, if you want to lose weight, lose weight for you. Do it because you want to be fit, do it because you want to live healthy. Do it because you’d love to easily fit into any dress you like.
See also: When Overwhelmed with Insecurities
Don’t do it because if you lost some weight, people would accept you or you could get out more or you could do the things you have always wanted to do. That is wrong thinking there. I used to do that but somehow I just understood that life doesn’t work that way.
You just might never do all those things, I mean never! Even when you get to your weight goal, unless you change your mindset, you will always feel insecure and will still keep your life on hold. So I’m just trying to get the best out of life while improving on myself for me and with time one doesn’t even hear those critical inner voices.
“God made us all unique, we should learn to embrace that. He deposited something in each and every one of us that speaks for us. If only we would allow it and not suppress it to fit to one standard of how things are supposed to be. If everyone in the world was ‘perfect’, I don’t think there will be beauty in humanity”
In all, insecurities are not totally bad and like a friend said,
your insecurities are there to balance you, to keep you relatable and to make you a fighter
and I do agree with him. I have a lot more to say but this is quite long. I guess there will be another post on insecurity later some time.